We need the tribe.

When life becomes difficult, we really need the tribe.

When we are planning our next important step in a career or intimate relationship, the tribe helps us to make the right choice.

The tribe can be your family, close friends, teammates or trusted colleagues.

They are there for you when things become most dire.

They embody trust, loyalty and love.

The psychological benefits, safety and utility of the tribe are essential for a life well lived.

But sometimes… our tribe is infiltrated by a trickster.

They don’t show up in an orange jumpsuit.

They don’t have a tattoo on their forehead signalling their malevolence.

They don’t self-identify in their dating profiles.

They appear normal. It could be your coworker - or the grocery store clerk you see each weekend.

It could be your elected representative.

It is potentially your own family member.

Sometimes, even those closest to us are a sort of monster, hiding in plain sight.

You need to protect yourself and your tribe from this person: the malignant narcissist.

Spotting the Enemy

As Epictetus tells us - we are what we do, not what we say. And by golly, some folks are really, really good at saying the right things when you first meet them.

Seeing how they behave over time can reveal another category of human… much different to the person you thought you knew.

You will inevitably encounter someone driven by one or all three of the Dark Triad personality traits.

The Dark Triad:

1. Narcissism: a grandiose sense of self-importance, a preoccupation with fantasies of success and power, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.

2. Machiavellianism: a cynical view of human nature, a focus on one's own interests and the ability to manipulate others for personal gain, and a willingness to deceive and exploit others.

3. Psychopathy: a lack of empathy or remorse, a disregard for social norms and rules, and a tendency towards impulsive and sometimes violent behavior.

Let’s talk about someone who represents the worst of #1 - the malignant narcissist:

A malignant narcissist is a dangerously charismatic individual who is consumed by an insatiable hunger for admiration, power and control. They possess a grandiose sense of self-importance and an unshakeable belief in their own superiority, which they use to manipulate and exploit those around them. Their inflated ego is coupled with a near complete lack of empathy or regard for the feelings and well-being of others, making them capable of inflicting deep emotional wounds and even causing physical harm. They are skilled at presenting a polished and charming facade, but beneath the surface lies a cold, calculating, and often sadistic personality that is willing to do whatever it takes to achieve their selfish ends. A malignant narcissist is a toxic force that can leave destruction and devastation in their wake, and those who cross their path do so at their own peril.

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The malignant narcissist is a special breed.

They might use emotional appeals, stories and psychological manipulation to control the narrative. They can be tremendously effective & convincing.

Watch this video to learn some of the prevailing characteristics of a malignant narcissist:

Cultivate your Tribe

Can you identify the people who would be there for you - without any pretense or condition?

Can you identify the person who operates with a specific end in mind whenever they engage with you?

Are they operating as a member of your tribe? Or are they using you as a convenient tool to serve their ends?

Would they hurt you? Will they hurt you?

Malignant narcissists can live their whole lives without being convicted of a crime or revealed to those around them.

We could live alongside a malignant narcissist for years and not realize it.

I grew up with someone close to me who has many characteristics of a malignant narcissist. It took years to understand who they were, and why they were.

It’s an uncomfortable feeling knowing there are people like this who will come in and out of our lives.

But it’s also pretty amazing when you know a friend, colleague or family member truly has your best interests at heart. And you do theirs.

That’s why I don’t believe when someone says they have 50+ friends and they believe all of them are besties. Odds are there might be one bad egg out of the bunch.

I keep a pretty tight, closed network. And I like it that way.

A bit of caution can go along way when you first meet someone. I believe in trust until I’m given a reason not to trust. But I also believe in exercising caution when inviting someone into my tribe.

I’m not advocating the need to be paranoid or scared, just cautious.

Tune in next week for more uplifting details on Machiavellians 😅

Have a great week my friends!

Tobias